5.21.26

 So my therapist has given me homework to document things. I told her about struggling with the last visit homework of listening to the snoop dogg affirmation songs and trying to locate the age I was when I stopped believing both head and heart (which one for which age) about myself. 

Well, i had to approach a different way and learned that when I was little, I remember having this big black whirly thing in my head, that would grow or get smaller and especially when I was mad. It was an angry mass. Then one day it just popped so to speak and went away and then there were more than one of me inside my head. 

Over the years I have felt different "moods" I call them, and that alot of it started when I was really little, but the first real pinch was when my mom told me the man who was abusing me, was not in fact my dad, i was relieved. But not as relieved as I was when I first thought she told me he was dead, and not this biological man I had not gotten to know. 

Then when my first love/boyfriend died when I was about 14-15, I didnt take it well and it just seemed to fuel the "moods". I noticed last night after having dinner with Gunner's guardian Melissa and being out with the kids at Dave and Busters, that when I got home, I felt somewhat out of it, and then cannot recall from when we got home to getting up this morning. Then I felt groggy. 

Today I noticed that I feel like I remember parts of the day and other parts a blur at times. Like when hyper focused working and I lose track of time. But this is slightly different. Like an anxiety around I am semi present for moments I struggle to fully recall. Like having a relationship with yourself but you dont really know about it. 

I told her I feel crazy talking about it, because I cant quite understand it, nor can I feel okay around it yet. I havent exactly talked about it period until recently. Allie's dad experienced it, but idk how to explain it other than a mood shift and I find I cant recall things so I have to leave notes or leave things a certain way or I have to redo them.